As a woman playing competitive online multiplayer games like Overwatch and CS:GO, it can be disappointingly common to encounter targeted, sexist harassment. For whatever reason, when certain types of players realize they are playing with or against a woman, they just kind of freak out –– aaaabsolutely cannot handle it at all. Yet somehow, harassers never expect spicy trash talk in response.
Ladies, you’ve heard it all before. Sometimes they are angry and insulting even when you are better than them. Sometimes they hit on you and make explicit sexual comments. Sometimes they are loudly, verbally abusive. Why? That’s a topic worth a post of its own I’ll let to eventually. If you’ve never experienced this or seen someone else deal with it, count yourself lucky.
Sure, you can mute people who act like asshats online and report them (report every time!), but that isn’t always satisfying and may not make you feel better about the situation, and you may never know if your report did anything.
There comes a time when you may get tired of taking the high road (though it is the nobler path) and want to give these scumbags a piece of your mind instead by fighting fire with fire. Maybe you feel like stooping to their level for once and leave them speechless as they awkwardly scramble for a response. This is your level now.
The following are a series of personally tested retorts and comebacks. Turn the tables and show them you won’t take it sitting down. Give ’em hell, girls!
The Gamer Girl’s Comeback Playbook
Note: Delivery is important and mileage may vary. Be confident!
1. The Sizzler
Them: “OMG A GRILL!!”
You: “That’s Miss George Foreman to you. Sounds like you’re all smoke and no fire.”
2. The Not Your Momma
Them: “Get back to the kitchen and make me a sammich!”
You: “Does baby still need his mommy to make snacks for him? Does baby need a bottle?”
3. The Attenborough (best with a convincing British accent)
Them: “No wonder we’re losing, we have a giiiirl. GG.”
You: “Ahh yes, here we see the young North American neckbeard in his native habitat attempting to hide his many insecurities behind raucous bravado. What a sad ballad he squeals. Unsurprisingly, he does not impress the herd…”
3. The Ol’ Switcheroo
Them: “You’re a b*tch/sl*t/wh*re!”
You: “I’m sorry, I can’t talk to you when you’re being so emotional. Are you PMSing? Have you tried calming down?”
4. The Kill ’em With Kindness
Them: “[Ongoing aggressive toxicity]”.
You (with genuine concern/confusion): “Are you okay?”, “Do you need help?”, “Are you sure you’re okay?”, “Are you having a stroke?”, etc.
(Repeat until they stop talking. This is surprisingly effective against very aggressive trolls.)
5. The Morpheus
Them: “You aren’t a real girl. Girls don’t exist on the internet!”
You: “What if I told you that over half the world’s population is female? What’s it like for you when you leave your house?”
(They usually chuckle and say they never go outside. Shocker.)
6. The Emasculator
Them: “[Sexual comment of any kind].”
You (to your team): “Awww, you can tell he’s never had a girlfriend before. So cute and innocent.”
7. The Body Shame Reversal
Them: “I bet you’re fat and ugly!”
You (to your team): “He’s just mad that his boobs are bigger than mine.”
(Bodying shaming is never ok, but come on– they started it.)
8. The Doctor Cox
Them: “Girls can’t play games!”
You: “I’m not playing the game with my fallopian tubes, Suzie Q. Shut your banana holster and get on the point.”
9. The Professor Oak
Them: “Are you a girl?!”
You: “I dunno Prof. Figured you’d be smart enough to tell on your own. Guess not.”
10. The Backhand
Them: “You’re pretty good for a girl.”
You: “Gee thanks! You’re pretty insightful for a moron.”
If you have ideas of more comebacks to add, please let me know! I’m aware some of these may be controversial, but to each their own. If you are faint of heart, please do not engage internet bullies as their reactions can sometimes be over the top. These comebacks are for your own amusement only.
Thank you for reading!
Gamer Culture Post Archive
Support Backlog Crusader on Patreon – $1 a month is less than what’s lost beneath your sofa cushions! Plus you get Discord access!